The Cooked Chook & Captain Nemo
Plus there is “The Alternative Run Report” as appended to this shit
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What is it about Real Estate Agents? They seem to operate in a shadowy world of half truths, professional innuendo, hyped up street addresses and remain telephonically ‘in-communicado’ unless money is owing to them. Such were the instructions of how to get to Colonel Sanders’ run, starting at…’Tom Pocket Street’….When yours truly double checked on Google Map, White Pages, the UBD and “Sydway” this street was just too damn new to show.
We received an SOS email from poor Pee Dub seeking urgent help so he could deliver the trailer to the right location. Imagine Pee Dub being followed around the ‘burbs of Turramurra near Bobbin Head with half the pack following behind like a conga, all looking for the illusive start location, minutes ticking out before 6.30pm. NOT a good start.
Tut Tut …Colonel Sanders, or is that Mr Real Estate, it’s time to be more accountable with your real estate and real-istic descriptions for run start locations!
And all this time his “Man Friday” (or is that Man Monday?) alias Captain Nemo (AKA Prince Dakkar), of the stealthy submarine ‘The Nautilus’ was deep down several leagues under the sea.
In passing, and just so that you really KNOW, this unassuming hare, (Nautilus or captain Nemo) is a quiet sort of bloke but behind the wry smile is a mad, scientific genius who roamed the depths of the sea in his submarine, the Nautilus, which was built on a deserted island. Captain Nemo always tries to project a stern, controlled confidence, but in truth, he is driven by a thirst for vengeance and a hatred of colonial imperialism (particularly the British Empire). So, all you POMS in the POSH Hash watch out!
So what’s in common between these two supposedly disparate hares; namely a Shady Real Estate merchant and vengeful underwater voyeur? In short it’s their favourite menu. You see, the former is notorious for his fetish for deep fried oily breasts, and legs and the other’s favourite Menu is his own Brand of Chicken Subs. I kid you NOT…….Seriously I checked it out…see Below.
2
Chicken Sub – $7.95
Sliced Loaf Chicken, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion with Captain Nemo’s own Mayonnaise.
Other dishes include Bonaparte’s Bounty and The Mutineer –both at $7.95
Now, I passed on this Private Eye investigative work to the hash MI5 Dept. thinking that if it was good enough for Captain Nemo and his mentor Colonel Drumstick (Deep Fried & Retired) then it should be good enough for the POSH pack. The SH3 quality control dept came back and said that “Sub” was short for SUB-Standard …and that was the end of this matter. But you’ll see the obvious connection between these two errant hares.
Hare No 1 is a typical Westie Bogon suburban old man, commonly found loitering for a bit of “breast or leg (over)” in a well known fast food store, whilst the other (No. 2) is the quintessential adventurer who, had he not been on terrestrial shore leave, would have set the run (or swim) under the briny blue….. packed with all sorts of thrilling derring-do, for which he is famous across generations and continents. In fact, (and in total confidence, …..just for you avid reader) Capt Nemo sent me a poster and a recent photo of his underwater exploits to insert as the evening’s promo. Sadly, however, there were not enough scuba tanks to go around for the pack, so above the waves we had to stay.
Promo Poster for Cpt Nemo’s Adventures
Cpt..Nemo fishing for his dinner, or is that shooting a colonial imperialist?.
But on with the run:
Leaving the sub-division road we headed out across mown grass adjoining God’s waiting room (a retirement village) and into some familiar trails heading out north west towards the bush we all know and love. But not 5 minutes into the run and the whole thing flew into a total tailspin…..for both walkers and runners. Clearly our hares were far too cunning for us mere humble runners. But the intelligentsia among us (about 1 or 2 at best) sorted out where we should run, and so we did, (having lost a valuable 10 or 15 minutes) sliding and tripping (without LSD) down a whopping big hill. Pedantic’s pooch was reluctant to walk on her leash for fear that he (Pedantic) would take her to an early grave, but as soon as released she was all over the place…as we should have been. Which brought us on to a familiar trail…….the Gibberagong Track. Lovely stuff and all was well for a while….But I was thinking “How the hell do we get home unless the hares know of a dastardly trail which saves us from running all the way to Bobbin Head and then back up the main road”. This route is a piddling 7 or 8 kms in itself,.and nightfall was only just around the corner.
Music Man and Callici have started a fashion trend in the POSH. Brightly coloured running shoes. In fact Dayglow verging on the fluorescent. Your Choice now sports a pair these shoes that look more like angry bees on his feet, and when passing Major Disaster, I recognised his footwear icons, and instantly wondered that if ever he should become lost in the dark (for which there is a slight propensity) that his feet would light the way home. Prophetic thoughts indeed !. Read on at the end of this swill.
And then a little while on, without any obvious marking on the creek side track, I saw half a dozen bums way up to my right on the hill side. These turned out to be several hashmen……and their respective backsides, including TM Salty calling the pack on and up. Just as well, as at that moment Cinders came bolting past also missing this VITAL and cleverly hidden turn off. Most of us now know what Edmund Hillary would have trained on for his assault on Everest. Real steep (almost vertical) rough, rocky stuff, and at the top of this ball busting hill Jock pulled out his l o n g and trusty procreator and washed down the side of the trail in total fatigue…and to leave his mark for Pedantic’s pooch. (You will learn later she never made that far) .
But it was too late for Benny the Swede who, at the head of the pack, carried on running all the way to Bobbing Head Park and had to make his way home via the main road (4kms all uphill) steaming into home at about 8.30pm. By that time the bucket a distant memory.
But for those who trotted along the Gibberagong Track after the light started fading were far less fortunate. That included Major D, Tic Toc Goanna, Pedantic & Pooch. They followed the same route as Benny but completely in the dark, partly illuminated by Tic-Toc’s mobile phone which has a torch function. At 9.15pm and with only a trickle of power left in his mobile, and legs, TicToc rang to say where they were. E Shit drove off to collect our miserable (read …fucking pissed off) hashmen from Bobbin Head Park. Not a good end for them.
All up the run covered some great territory, with masses of recceing to try and make it work, although according to some, or many, that is a matter of very subjective opinion. Dunny paper a plenty was hung from the branches and it was easy to follow the trail, but sadly it was evident that the checks and check backs were too cute and clever by half. We already lost 10 to 15 minutes at the start of the run and more for the poor sods who were in walking mode, and stranded in the dark, they failed to negotiate the later checks and that all VITAL turn off the Gibberagong Track.. In fact, even if they had seen it, the climb up that hill in the pitch black would have been equally perilous and downright bloody dangerous.
NB: All future summer hares please be responsible when laying trails. Understand that much of your run will be after daylight starts fading. What you might think is obvious to ‘Blind Freddie’ when setting the run in the day time is NOT the case after dark.
Tips: ♦ No cute or clever checks at the beginning or anywhere else for that matter
♦ Ensure that the home run is open, clear and easy to follow in the dark
♦ Mark arrows, not just flour or dunny paper. We need to know which direction to follow.
The On-On
What you may not know is that Colonel Drumstick, or the Cooked Chook, is the author of a number of books. Ohhhh yes he is!.
These books all evolve around dead chooks’ breasts and legs and these books also feature prominently in Captain Nemo’s expansive library in the officer’s wardroom of the Nautilus. These best sellers are:- It Wasn’t All Gravy Life As I Have Known It Has Been “Fucking Lickin’ Good” Secret Recipe: Why KFC Is Still Cookin’ After 50 Years
Thankfully the Cooked Chook, was not allowed anywhere near the Hash trailer and even less so the hash culinary dept, for fear of deep fried ‘shaved snatch’ and other oily substances requiring a real life demonstration of the Hash Defibulator. Also Captain Nemo’s Chicken Subs had already been banned by the Committee’s Maitre D for being …..err well….sub-standard.
Instead he ordered a couple of buckets of curries from a local Indian restaurant up the road. This was supplemental by leftovers from “the knees up” on the good ship Lollipop on Sunday night. Salads and platers of fruit and cheeses bulked up to provide top value for our $25-00.
So we had a real street party. …under the street lights and on smooth asphalt. It was a stroke of luck that it wasn’t raining and a (genius) idea by our hares. OK, OK so our Chooked real estate agent knows a patch of property when he sees one! However he would be best advised to forget his chook cooking fetish and real estate interests and focus on run setting from the experts.
It was all good in the end although please don’t ask TicToc, Major, Goanna or.Pendantic. They will give you a different collection of adjectives (best referred to as expletives) for both the hares and the run.
NEWS Flash …Just in on the wires is an alternative run report. It puts all of the above in a totally rosy glow. All future Hares are on notice.
Your Hash Journo
PS. The upcoming run details on the website showed “Tom’s Pocket” as downloaded from Whereis.com – ED
The Alternative (True & Honest) Run Report
TO DESCRIBE IT AS A MONUMENTAL FUCK-UP WOULD BE A GROSS DIS-SERVICE TO MONUMENTAL FUCK-UPS OF THE PAST STRETCHING ALL THE WAY BACK TO MOSES.
THINGS STARTED TO UNRAVEL EARLY IN THE PIECE. SALTY IMMEDIATELY RECOGNISED THE PROBLEM AND TOOK OFF TO CHECK WITH THE HARE, THE CROOK CHOOK, WHO HAD BOOKED HIMSELF INTO EITHER THE LOCAL RETIREMENT VILLAGE OR THE LADY DAVIDSON HOSPITAL. ONLY MOMENTARILY IT WAS HOPED, LEAVING THE WANDERING TRIBES TO KEEP WONDERING. LEFT TO THEIR OWN DEVICES, THE PACK, RUNNERS, WALKERS AND CRIPPLES, SIMPLY SCATTERED.
NATURALLY MAJOR DISASTER WAS A SPECIAL CASE. POLITENESS PREVENTS ME FROM SAYING HE HAS SOME SORT OF CONTAGIOUS SOCIAL DISEASE OR SUFFERS FROM EXTREME FLATULATION. BE THAT AS IT MAY, OTHER RUNNERS, WALKERS AND ASSORTED CRIPPLES GENERALLY AVOID HIM AND HEAD IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
MONDAY WAS NO EXCEPTION. ALL ALONE, NATURALLY FOLLOWING TRAIL, HE CAME TO A CHECK BACK ALONGSIDE THE RIVER, BUT HIS SHARP EYES SAW FURTHER ARROWS BEYOND THE CHECK BACK, LEADING TO ……”FUCK-ME”. YET ANOTHER CHECK BACK !! WITH THE RIVER ON ONE SIDE AND A STEEP CLIFFS AND ACCOMPANYING BUSH STRETCHING EVER UPWARDS ON THE OTHER, TO HOPEFULLY GO ON SEEMED TO BE THE BEST OPTION.
BUT THERE WAS NO TRAIL FURTHER ON, OR EVEN FURTHER THAN THAT. TO CLIMB UPWARDS AND HOPE FOR BETTER THINGS HAD NOW BECOME THE BEST OPTION, SEEING THAT IT WAS NOW APPROACHING EIGHT O’CLOCK AND DARKNESS WAS CLOSE AT HAND. HOWEVER SOMETHING ELSE, NO, SOMEONE ELSE WAS CLOSE AT HAND.
IT WAS “MOSES” PEDANTIC, COMPLETE WITH GUIDE DOG, WHO HAD ARRIVED TO LEAD HIM OUT OF THE WILDERNESS. “COME DOWN MAJOR”, THE ENLIGHTEN ONE CALLED, “I KNOW THE WAY OUT OF HERE, ABOUT ONE “k” FURTHER ON, WE WILL HIT A FIRE TRAIL WHICH TAKES US HOME”.
THE DOUBTING MAJOR LOOKED AT THE ENLIGHTENED ONE AND THEN THE GUIDE DOG, AND THE DOG NODDED. SO OFF THE THREE SET. AFTER ABOUT HALF AN HOUR, MAJOR D WAS INFORMED IT COULD BE TWO KMS…. APPROACHING NINE O’CLOCK IT HAD STRETCHED TO TWO AND A HALF KMS, MEANWHILE THE GUIDE DOG HAD GIVEN UP AND GONE HOME.
WHAT EVER TRAIL EXISTED, WAS PROBABLY JUST A BARE STRIP WASHED BY THE HIGH TIDE, NOW STREWN WITH FALLED TIMBER BUT THE ENLIGHTENED ONE PLUNGED ON, “NOT MUCH FURTHER”, IT WAS AFTER NINE, AND MAJOR STUMBLED ON SILENTLY VOWING NEVER TO WRITE ANOTHER ILLUMINATING STORY ABOUT PEDANTIC’S EXPLOITS. MEANWHILE PEDANTIC ALSO COMPLETELY LOST, STOPPED EVERY SO OFTEN TO CALL UPON DIVINE INTERVENTION OR THE GUIDE DOG FOR ASSISTANCE, MAJOR WASN’T SURE WHICH.
BUT DEVINE INTERVENTION DID INDEED RESPOND WHEN SUMMONED AND APPEARED OUT OF THE DARNESS IN THE SHAPE OF MONSIEUR LE TIC AND HIS GAFFER, GOANA. ARMED WITH HIS TRUSTY PHONE CUM CAMERA, CUM TORCH, MONSIEUR LE TIC RESCUED THE FORLORN PAIR AND GUIDED THEM UP TO BOBBIN ROAD. MILES FROM ANY WHERE BUT AT LEAST ON THE ROAD TOWARDS HOME AT LAST.
THE FINAL PART PLAYED IN THIS UNFORTUNATE SAGA WAS SUPPLIED BY “JUNK MAIL” WHO VERY GRACIOUSLY DROVE DOWN THE STEEP, WINDING ROAD TO GIVE THEM A LIFT BACK HOME.
IT IS NOT KNOWN WHETHER THE GUIDE DOG ENJOYED THE CURRY AT THE ON ON. THE LEACH LADENED MAJOR DIDN’T STOP TO FIND OUT BUT HEADED HOME FOR THE SALT CELLAR.
FROM A RAVING REPORTER