The Sydney Mutiny Hareld
______________________________________________________
First Run 1967 O N O N . A L W A Y S . Number 2456 July 28, 2014
RUN REPORT – BALGOWLAH / CAPTAIN BLIGH & PRETTY POLY
Cruel Capt Bligh and Crackers Poly taken down
by Judge Mental, their piers and mutineers.
Captain Bligh took command of His Majesty’s Shithole Balgowlah in order to win a premium offered by the Royal Society of Poshmen’s Mate Master Moishe to set a run somewhere. Anywhere. Thus the good Captain and his faithful shoulder Poly first sailed into Krung Tahiti to obtain Penang curry, Priking Thai beef Massamun curry, stir-fried vegetables, and Tahiti glace, then set the course. Able Semen Changi and Ayatollah objected to the insolent briefing language of the Balgowlah Blights and mutiny broke out at 1830. Having learned nothing from history, Captain Bligh with Poly dripping crap down his back, cast a cast of scores of perfectly nice Posh ‘mutineers’ adrift into the unknown (or only by a few good men). The mutineers led by Master’s Mate Moishe (not to be confused with his lookalike cousin known as Master Bate Moishe) were provided by Bligh and Pretty Poly with not only a fine crew, but also a map and instructions to find slings and arrows and breadfruit flour in some kind of chaotic order. This included special numbers, for example 1, 2, 3 located on the mystery trail to correspond with similar numbers on the map. The obdurate Captain Bligh chose only one of these…and thus handicapped, 30 loyal crewmen, led by Hanoi Bill and General de Gaulle launched into the darkness with just four cutlasses, no food, little water, a quadrant and a compass, and one satellite chronometer on the arm of Subway aficionado Nautilus (not to be confused with Subway of nowhere to be found Frenchie of Ermington fame).
The route into the unknown was difficult. After trying unsuccessfully for a month to round West and Lower Beach Streets the mutineers, Pheasant Plucker and Benny were almost defeated by the notoriously slow walkers, Kitty and Superglue, both exhausted from recent escapades, and forced to take the longer and considerably steeper way around New Street West and Beatrice Street. That delay caused a further wait of five months for the Krung Tahiti meals to mature sufficiently to be edible should ever the mutineers return to the friggin’ HMS Balgowlah.
MasterMate Moishe had confidence in his navigational skills, which he had perfected under the instruction of Captain now Major Disaster Disaster. His first responsibility was to bring his men to safety. Thus, he undertook the seemingly impossible 9,218 metres journey to the corner of Condamine and Sydney, Bligh HQ, and berth place of HMSBalgowlah. In this remarkable act of trailmanship, the mutineers, now being led by Robbo and Payling succeeded in reaching The Walk, Gordon Street, Pyrenees Steps, Peronne Avenue and Graham Avenue. Somehow MasterMate managed to avoid Machu Picchu staircase, maybe because it was in another country far, far away. Then, Druid and Philthy found more climbing after Mitchell Walk, Monash Grove and the devastating Cutter (aka Cutler) Road. After a 28 minute journey, relief all round with the only casualty being crewman Khyber Pass… breathing heavily remembering the Brazilian swimming costumes from last week’s issue of the Horn.
From 1853 until 1908, when they reached the Lookout 6 at Tabulum Road, the mutineers had faced, fallen and stumbled up long rugged stairs and more stairs, stares and stars, with ever-changing vistas across the Harbour, the Spit, and North Harbour Manly Bay. One mutineer, D**w**e? opined that some people who walk a lot set super challenging runs, like non-drinkers who make sure everyone around them always has a full glass. By 1930 Grape-not-really-a fruit (not to be confused with Bread-fruit Reynard the FoxFace, Philthy, and Lost Patrol landed on a small island off the coast called Crater Cove Lookout, which they (appropriately) named Restoration Island. Over the next week or more they island-hopped north along Forty Baskets Beach, up Gourlay Street and Wellings Reserve and across Clarence Streetfootbridge – as Bligh, cartographer as always, had sketched maps of the coast. Early in June the mutineers passed through the Condamine Strait and on again until they reached, just in Timor, HMS Balgowlah pooped deck at 1959. Several of the men who survived this ordeal were outed at the Krung Tahiti OnOn.
Why the mutiny?
To this day (Wednesday), the reasons behind the mutiny are a subject of debate. Many believe that Bligh was a cruel tyrant whose abuse of the crew led them to feel that they had no Choice but to take him to task. A Barangaroo Court Martial was quickly established at Krung Tahiti, with Judge Mental TToc presiding together with Roger the Cabin Kitty, a jury of the Captain’s piers and The One-Eyed Goon, manning the brig and dispensing Captain Morgan Premium Rum with Captain Coke’s finest Cola. Found guilty guilty guilty, the Brutal Bligh and his Epaulette Equerry Poly were stripped of their livery, and soon felt the sting of the pussy‘o’nine tails, and the pleasure of self-flagellation, then keel-hauled before demotion to Gobsmackers (see pic).
—OnOn from your President Le Manneken Musique and the All-Star Committee. With contributions from world-wide sources, Bigamist, Changi, Duckweave, Flasher, General deGaulle, Goanna, Jack the Ripper,Khyber, Kitty, Major Disaster Disaster, Moishe, SBends, Virginus Illegitimus…OnOnTToc
