The Sydney Maotsetung Hareld
_________________________________________
First Run 1967 O N O N . A L W A Y S . Number 2451 June 23, 2014
RUN REPORT -ERMINGTON/ BIGAMIST & AYATOLLAH
Strangely enough the citizens of Ermington seemed quite normal. A Woolies here, a State Transit Bus there. Camry Aurions and Corollas jostling for angular parking spaces—just like a regular neighbourhood you’d see back home a world away, on the North Shore.
But things were not as they seemed. Ominous organ tones swirled as International Celebrity Legend French Connection scoured the area for a lost 30 minutes seeking an admittedly camouflaged subway, the promised tunnel that connected the suspiciously-named Betty Cuthbert Avenue with the local thoroughfare that has stolen the name from the familiar North Shore boulevard, Victoria Road. No such tunnel exists. But there is a Subway sandwich shop—a ploy employed by the Short’n’Curly Hares Bigamist and Ayatollah to alter the minds of the 35 stalwarts who ventured to this foreign neck of the ‘hoods.
Paramercenary PeeDub entered the hostile Ermington environment in a newly-acquired-from-Woolworths 6WD military armoured homosexual Personnel Of Oral Favors carrier, or POOF, juggernaut reinforced to even more stringent standards than E-Shit’s impenetrable bullet-proof membrane film. Fully-equipped with Ivan Milat-approved weaponry of axes, bludgeons, garrotting wire and Antiseptic WetOnes this transformer transporter which is being prepared for service for the next Committee’s summer Tough Mudder schedule, was commissioned for this mission to ensure that no harm befall the brave warriors of the Posh. The ve-hic-le is especially furnished for groups of 4xPoofs, and fortuitously attracted just such a quartet—4X, JTR, WC and Goonshow—who “leapt” aboard and immediately placed their hands down each other’s shorts for security.
The region so scarified the leaders of this imminent attack on Ermington they exhorted the expats to prepare for split tracks, split bills, and split beavers, and warned that none would be tolerated. The cryptic instructions were naturally ignored as the battalion of battlers was swallowed, not by Chinese Naked Opera muses, but by the darkness of deepest Ermington.
Bigamist and Ayatollah kept the ragtag warriors—notably Wanker, Pilko and Payling and adjutant Nathan—in full flight, over three, -count ‘em three maps—Trailmaster Moishe’s nightmare. Cleverly directing the pack ofPlunger, Lost Patrol, Benny, and Calici down South and up Antoine, through Primrose, splashing across River and looking for a maiden to bowl over up Spofforth (the Ermington apparatchiks had deceptively named their thoroughfares after North Shore landmarks). But none of that fooled Flying Scotsman and Virginus, Wombatand Presidential Music, who found the trail “a credit to the creators”. At last having secured the Ermington precinct the legionnaires succumbed to the North Shore disease of disdain. On Maling Avenue a homeless hobo languishing on the pavement had sand, dust and bindi cuttings kicked in his face by most, but not Goonshow. Stopping and enquiring as to the wretched fellow’s well-being he was naturally told to Fuck Off, but was later rewarded with the OnOn Purple Heart and DownDown for Caring, a side of GS that had not been seen before.
Of course the entire field of battle is notable for recognising the famous Sub (not Subway, Frenchie) AE2 Ermington, that was first up the Dardanelles on April 25, 1915, as described by Admiral of the Fleet of Foot, Nautilus.
The conversation re this killer craft continued at the Golden Gourmet Palace Place restaurant, its classic ‘70s Cantonese cuisine not enjoyed on the North Shore since Peacock Gardens’ Host Mathew discovered the Qin dynasty terracotta warriors in Xian (pron. ‘schi-aaan’..as verified by Goonshow, who was however not as wise in selecting Le Chenat “the world’s favourite French wine” to accompany the Qin cuisine. Oh yeah). Scrumptious chop suey, chicken chow mein and sweet and even sweeter fossilised lemon and honey chicken and 1000 year old egg, provided the perfect preparation for welcoming visitors. Pedantic brought Kate the Killer Kelpie for protection out on the moors of Ermington, Payling brought Nathan his non-commissioned officer son, Yakkity introduced Mike the American marauder from Cleveland, denied as “the shittiest hole in all USA” (not Mike, Cleveland..after all it was Bob Hope’s hometown. Never argue with the man with a Mike, eh Yak?). Grape was recognised for taking his iPhone for a swim while kayaking at Camp Cove (shades of King Billy Coke Bottle’s mud-crab parable). Humour of the most excruciating kind was detected from PeeDub, Wombat amd TToc—until finally the forty foreigners wandered out into Betty Cuthbert territory and sought a sub to take them home to the comfort of….