LIFE IN THE PAST LANE
Two of the more jocular Hashmen, the comic duo, came together to provide the extravaganza at Cromer.
Google Earth : Run 2312
Wally of course is still on the Official Secrets List, under sealed orders to carry a false moustache in his pocket at all times to avoid being recognized, whilst Philthy is a case for concern for a variety of reasons too numerous to mention.
It was many years ago, more than he would like to remember, the young Philthy was a delicate young chap bred on the Upper North Shore, private school background of course. Whilst still at school, he was lured away by the promise of a life of licentiousness, to be a caddy at the notorious Cromer Golf Club.
In those days the Club was pretty new on the golfing circuit. The fairways were narrow with copious bush extending down both sides, and the sandy bunkers were many and varied. One would say it was a testing course for beginners, particularly for the uninitiated on Ladies Day.
His School rugger room was rife with tales of scoring the much sought after, “ Hole in One…” with one of many willing Golfing widows, in the dense bushes surrounding the First Green..
But bugger me if Philthy, deliberately misled by some snotty-nosed little bastard in the Upper 6th, didn’t turn up on Gentlemen’s Day and there were many lonely Bachelors as well as Golfing widows at the Club.
Well !. The appearance of this trim, fresh faced little chap in his well pressed shorts attracted many an admiring glance from the Gentry, and more than one guiding hand was laid upon his trembling shoulder in the locker room.
Fortunately for young Philthy his honour and more was saved at the last minute by the sudden arrival of Bertha the Butch, who was acting Course Marshall for the day. After twanging a few jock straps, she grabbed the little chap and took him into the Ladies.
What happened in there still remains a bit of a mystery. If you really want to know, you will have to ask Philthy yourself.
After all that, it is hardly worth mentioning Run 2313.
A PETITE MERDE FESTIVE PROMOTION !
Don’t put up with any shit over Christmas
Guaranteed to remove Noisy Neighbours, Irritating Mother-in-Laws, Obnoxious Kids,
Ex-Wives, Door-knocking salesmen, All Black Supporters and much more
BE CAREFUL WHAT BUTTON YOU PRESS OR YOU COULD BE IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE.
. A post-meal bathroom visit in Japan can turn into a mini adventure when the restaurant’s facilities are equipped with a Washlet, the fancy Japanese toilet manufactured by Toto.
The lid lifts by itself when you approach it. On the wall next to it is a control panel that allows you to access all the functions, including “rear cleansing” and “front cleansing.”
If you have never sat on a Toto Washlet, you are indeed missing out. A number of restaurants in New York City have them, including Inakaya, Sakagura and Robata Ya. Using one goes something like this: the bowl greets you, with an automatically rising lid. On cooler days, you can adjust the temperature of the seat. Once you’re done, well, going, press the front or rear cleansing button and a wand materializes to spray warm, aerated water onto the designated area. But this is no ordinary bidet action. You can choose to have the spray oscillate or pulsate, determining the pressure and position of the spray.
At the end of your personalized experience, you can opt to have your Bum dried with hot air. This friendly function allows Toto to claim that its Washlets are, in fact, good for the environment and, thus, mankind because they don’t require the use of toilet paper. You must agree on their making the planet a better place – if only because they are sure to plaster a smile on the face of anyone who takes advantage of the full breadth of their functionality. You are guaranteed to leave the bathroom feeling refreshed and pampered, like never before.
Bidets may have gone the way of the dinosaur and for good reason (who wants to crouch over cold porcelain and splash water into hard-to-reach places?). But the Washlet is like a robo-butler (butt-ler? Sorry…) for your bottom half.
NEXT WEEKS RUN
SEAFORTH OVAL, OFF WAKEHURST PARKWAY
SPONSORED BY MR NEAT AND TOOTH FAIRY