The Sydney Mountie Hareld ______________________
First Run 1967 O N O N . A L W A Y S . Number 2452 June 30, 2014
RUN REPORT MOSMAN/ GOONSHOW & POLYUNSATURATED
Distance: 6.87km / Elevation Gain: 8m / Calories burnt: 636c
You c**t say c**t in Ramadan, or Mosman or Canada
Strangely, collectively, Canadians are universally described as “nice,” “polite,” “courteous”—to a fault, (despite any view to the contrary aboot individual Canucks), eh? A STOP sign reads STOP, Please. Another: “Careful, this sign has sharp edges”.
Well, what a surprise then when on an uncrowded Monday evening innocently celebrating Canada Day, and Ramadan*, an anti-Canuck jihad extremist, Moh**ed Zu**i, “security guard and humanitarian” attacked our Canadian coterie nestled in the Rockies of Frenchy’s Canadian moose and beaver cabin. With threats of reports to the “authorities”, the failed suicide bomber managed to collect evidence of an imagined misdemeanour, photographing number plates, finger-printing greasy plastic wine tumblers, intent on eternal incarceration for all.
The sneaky, hungry*, insurgent had waited until we had enjoyed Pilko-created poutine, a boner of a banquet of indigenous Canadian delicacies before bursting upon the enclave from the shadows. Some members threw up, others threw caution, and released wind, yet others leapt like LeMans madmen (tnx Centerpoint) into their BMs and dispersed. Yet others quickly surrounded the shitty Shiite like supermarket trolleys round a penalised parker in support of Emir Music, and the Hares Goonshow and Polyunsaturated (of whom no photographs were permitted), enabling Masterchef Pilko to pack into doggy-sled bags his superb pea and ham soup, and the remaining poutine (destined for enjoyment by the E-Shit family and thence the Marist Bros men’s and boys’ shed). Meanwhile with Ramadan fiddling, Mountie Wombat was burning another batch of his gossamer crepes (tnxMusic), that were aboot to be doused in genuine Rocky Fountain Maple Syrup. Key ingredient tonight was Canadian Moose. The only parts not used here, and destined for the Canadian knackers for further processing, were nostril hair and hoof clippings. For enhanced and unique flavour, Masterchef Pilko sprinkled his poutine with secret herbs and spices, and the result was, as the token Canadians (Kitty, Simmo and Yakkity) enthused, “hmmm, nice.”
When Moh**ed next looked up another tranche of c**ts was gone, even PeeDub with offending trailer sped lightless into the darkness. But all this was not before the pack had enjoyed the company of some rare faeces—there wasTweety, looking chirpy, just back from Scotland where he introduced his favourite aunt to the Smile of Skype; Copra, as always, sweet and viscous like his honey; Loco, still slightly troppo, and Croc who’s less crock-like than ever (who reports that bounce-back Moonbeams is heading to Thailand for a little well-earned R & R.
Meanwhile, just before replacing a 100-kilo rock and moving his Beemer to getaway position, Chief Mountie Musicnegotiated with Moh**ed, and with extraordinary empathy endorsed is report in Arabic
Of course all this excitement was preceded by a warm-up run. Remember the phrase “I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know”? The veteran Hares, Goon and Poly, practised for what? hours to perfect calligraphic arrows. These they applied beautifully, and delicately to the winter pavement from Frenchy Canuck HQ down Cobbitee and beyond aboot, what? every 100 metres? Presumably widely spaced for the pack to have time to range through Blessed Sacrament Church (where Virginus Illegitimus confessed to being nose beaten by someone at home and now has a conk the envy of Pinocchio) the Mosman Bible Centre (Spud and Copra neck and neck virtually on their knees), the Glengarry and Sirius Cove Aged Hostels (Payling, Flying Virgin, Duckweave and Centrepoint making enquiries), Curraghbeena Park (Calici and Yak spotted on bladder patrol), St Clement’s (Pedantic and young chienKate, joined hands with Ayatollah to examine the poor box) and especially Queenwood School for Girls (whereBigamist, PeeDub, Rolf and Frenchy loitered). Avoiding the chaos of Canuck bashing downunder, S Bends still has a slush fund left over from last year, and is representing the Posh in the Rockies..or the attached pic has been photo-shopped in the wilds of St Ives. Whatever.
Earlier, taking the Darwin Trail to the top of Mount Despair, Kahibah Road steps, the Hares thought it a hoot to haveImmediate Past President Darwin and recently disembowelled Hanoi Bill, being walkers on this occasion, abseil down again to some mystery route. Up here for thinking, and that’s where they stayed. The Octo and Nono Generians pulled out the stops and gave Changi, Grape and Plunger a run for their pensions.
You’ve heard of The Jersey Boys? Well, the critically-acclaimed Canadian C**ts had a must-see show warming up in the wings when Moh**ad showed up. It was to have been The Full Mounty (tnx Jungle). Watch out for a reprise, and next time no quick getaway will be possible.
Footnote: The next episode in this saga will be on Bastille Day, Monday, July 14, when the pack will re-assemble at Frenchy’s, and Al-Jazeera journo French Connection will chat with “security” in French, natch. Blague à part. Watch this space.. solitary though it may end up being for him.
*The word Ramadan comes from the Arabic root ramiḍa or ar-ramaḍ, which means scorching heat or dry rooting. While fasting from dawn until sunset, Muslims refrain from consuming food, drinking liquids, smoking, and engaging in sexual relations, not even alone, Todd; in some interpretations those practising also refrain from other behaviour which could be perceived as sinful such as swearing, engaging in disagreements, listening to music, enjoying poutine, pancakes and maple syrup, and procrastination. (Tnx Wikipedia).
Miss BaddyMemorial Run
A wonderful gathering of Miss Baddy 2 Shoes’ Hash and civvy friends remembered this lovely lady at Watsons Bay last Saturday, June 28. A gorgeous part of Sydney that Miss Baddy very much enjoyed it provided a superb run around the Sydney Harbour foreshore via Parsley Bay through Vaucluse, in warm and balmy weather. Reminiscences by Jen, Klangers, Moishe, Truck Tyres, Old Hand, Mongrel and many others were both poignant and positive. As Miss Baddy would have wished the throng then descended upon theWatsons Bay pub to toast her in typical Hash fashion of humour and conviviality..OnOnTToc.
BIRTHDAY GREETINGS
Flying Scotsman,Nureyev, Changi, Virginus Illegitimus